8 Common Wedding Planning Fights All Couples Go Through—And How to Resolve Them

Arguing is normal, but it doesn't have to undermine your experience.

Man Looking at Woman While She Looks Off to the Side

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If you’re in the midst of planning your wedding, chances are, you’re probably feeling more combative than usual. During this process, you already have sky-high expectations for the perfect celebration and a never-ending list of tasks to attend to, which is a killer combination of high emotions and high stakes that can lead to feelings of stress and tension. Then, when you throw other people’s opinions and perspectives into the mix, breaking out into a fight with someone is almost inevitable. Maybe your partner isn’t stepping up to the plate, maybe your future mother-in-law is running the show, or maybe your maid of honor’s schedule doesn’t line up with yours. 

Meet the Expert

  • Dr. Kate Kaplan is a clinical psychologist who offers therapy to adults, young adults, adolescents, and families. She specializes in complicated family dynamics.
  • Nicholas “Nic” Hardy is a licensed clinical social worker, a psychotherapist, and a relationship expert who specializes in couples counseling and relationship coaching.
  • Christine Agro is a life coach with two decades of experience.

While arguing during the wedding planning process is completely normal, there are steps you can take to prevent the fight from escalating into a full-blown brawl. We asked the experts to share some of the most common fights that couples experience during these stages, plus how to resolve them. 

Common Wedding Planning Fights

From disagreements on the total budget to ones about your overall vision, here are a few of the biggest wedding planning fights couples get involved in, whether it's with one another or a family member.

Money

There's no question that throwing a wedding is an expensive endeavor. Clinical psychologist Dr. Kate Kaplan says many of her clients often discuss arguments that emerged with their significant other or their families over money, namely the total bill, blown-out budgets, and the party responsible for covering the costs. Psychotherapist Nicholas “Nic” Hardy explains how different spending habits and clashing values can cause these fights to erupt.

To prevent this quarrel from happening, Kaplan recommends sitting down with your future spouse and anyone else who's chipping in to create a reasonable budget, where you prioritize certain expenditures over others. "You might not see eye to eye on what you should spend money on, so there might be a need for some compromise here," she notes. If your parents or future in-laws are covering a portion (or all) of the total bill, make sure to discuss what they're paying for and their level of involvement in the financial decision-making process.

Family Traditions

In some families, there are certain traditions that each generation has passed on. Some of them might be more widespread, like having the father of the bride walk his daughter down the aisle, while others may be more catered to the specific family, like wearing their great-grandmother's wedding ring. If you're interested in creating your own customs and rituals, you might have to deal with disappointed parents, especially if they're helping out financially, which could potentially lead to an ugly exchange.

Before you make any decisions, have an open and honest conversation with your family, where you share your vision. Then, ask them for their thoughts and listen attentively. From there, it’s all about compromise. Maybe you include a ritual that’s meaningful to your mom while introducing new ones that you and your partner are excited about.

Different Opinions

Since you and your partner are the ones getting married, your opinion is really the only one that matters. But, things start to get complicated when there are other people paying for some of the costs, which can sometimes give them the assumption that they have a final say. Then, there are friends and family who have all of the best intentions, but they feel the need to comment on every decision and detail, which can get frustrating.

Instead of waiting until these conflicting opinions get the best of you, life coach Christine Agro recommends taking a moment to pause and center yourself instead of reacting on emotion. “Where individuals are concerned, if they are driving you crazy or making your day anything less than wonderful, stop, take a breath, disengage, and reflect," she advises. "Their experience isn’t your responsibility, but understanding why they’re behaving the way they are can help you to figure out how to navigate whatever is going on.” Perhaps they're really excited for you or they simply want to caution you against some of their own mistakes. Whatever the reason, try to view the situation from their perspective before sharing your own.

Your Future In-Laws

While disagreements with your own family are a common wedding planning fight, those with your future in-laws also frequently pop up among couples. Since you and your partner's family tend to have different traditions, habits, and boundaries, those dissenting approaches and methods can make wedding planning a challenge. You might feel the need to appease your future in-laws, which can lead to resentment. Or perhaps, you can't take any more of your soon-to-be mother-in-law's advice, which causes you to snap at her or your significant other.

To tackle this issue head-on, Agro suggests taking a deep breath and recognizing that creating a life with your partner means you must honor preexisting family dynamics and modes of communication in your significant other's family. Then, set healthy boundaries. “Create a time and space to speak with [your in-laws] rather than addressing this when you're already frustrated or annoyed,” Agro says. “Plan out what you want to say, whether it’s ‘I’ve dreamed of this day my entire life, and there are certain things I really want to do myself,’ or it’s ‘I appreciate everything you are doing, and what would really be helpful is if you took care of this thing. The rest is something that I want to do.’”

The Guest List

Deciding who to invite (and who not to invite) to your wedding is another common wedding planning fight among couples and family members. If you and your partner have large families and different circles of friends, this decision becomes increasingly more difficult. And if your parents or future in-laws have plans to invite some of their friends or distant relatives, their request will likely add fuel to the fire. Figuring out the total headcount and deciding who gets a plus one is another tricky situation that can cause trouble.

The solution? Once you book your venue and select a budget, determine how many people you’re going to invite and how you’ll distribute that number across both families. Make sure to set aside time to talk through the guest list with your soon-to-be spouse, so the two of you are on the same page. If both of your families have people they want to attend, have a conversation with them. Tell them about your maximum headcount and give them a fair number of invitees. 

Clashing Visions

Since your wedding will honor both you and your partner, the two of you have a large say in what the day will look like. However, arguments might arise if you disagree on that vision. For instance, maybe you’ve always dreamed about saying “I do” in a lush garden in the spring, but perhaps your significant other is set on tying the knot at his cabin house. These clashing ideas can cause friction between the two of you.

Before you finalize your aesthetic, have a conversation with your partner in a relaxed setting, where the two of you share your priorities and what you’re willing to sacrifice, according to Kaplan. “Perhaps they can let go of needing to have an indoor wedding and embrace your idea of a beach wedding, and you can include those people that they must have on the guest list,” Dr. Kaplan cites as an example. Listening, making compromises, and remembering that the two of you are a team will help deescalate any tension.

Planning Duties

You and your partner are planning this celebration together, but the workload isn't always evenly distributed. One partner might feel like they're doing all of the heavy lifting, while the other might not care, so they just agree with everything the other decides. The result? Feelings of anger that build up until an argument blows up.

One way to avoid this conflict is for both parties to write down every wedding detail that each cares about and those that are less important to them. Then, arrange a time to come together, so you can exchange your thoughts and opinions. You might find that your significant other is more excited about creating the playlist, while you're more interested in choosing the flowers. For the remaining tasks that neither of you feel strongly about, you can divide those assignments, so there's a more equal distribution of labor.

Timelines

Planning a wedding is a huge time commitment. With full-time jobs, household duties, and other obligations, finding a few spare hours each week to chip away at your to-do list isn’t easy, especially when you and your partner have different schedules. If the two of you lead busy lives, you might find yourselves fighting over when to actually tackle these tasks. 

A simple resolution is dividing up the work, so you can cross off items on a timeline that suits your schedule. For instance, your partner might work on orchestrating the rehearsal dinner in the mornings, while you attend cake tastings after work. While there are some tasks the two of you can take on separately, there are bigger decisions you need to decide on together, like the venue, budget, and guest list. For those, find a time when you're both free to discuss and block it off on your calendar.

How to Resolve Pre-Wedding Fights

While we’ve already outlined how to tackle each specific wedding planning fight listed above, we’ve also compiled a list of more general tips for navigating pre-wedding arguments, which you’ll find below.

Communicate Every Step of the Way

Communication is the key to avoiding wedding planning fights. "Open communication helps resolve conflict quicker and prevents resentment from building up over time," Hardy reveals. "Disagreements are natural, but creating a safe space for each person to express their thoughts and feelings throughout the process can help mitigate the severity of conflict." To make sure that you're prioritizing constant communication throughout every stage, he suggests checking in with your partner on a regular basis.

Invest in Areas Outside of Wedding Planning

If you're planning a wedding, you might find it difficult to think about anything else. But, abandoning the habits and activities that you do for fun for the sake of finishing your tasks will only backfire. Make sure that you find time to pursue what you love, whether it's painting, cooking, or playing tennis. Not only will you experience a stress relief, but you'll also gain perspective, so the disagreement you had with your mom won't seem so dire.

Remember What's Important

When you're planning a wedding, it's difficult to remember that the celebration is only one day and that your relationship will last a lifetime. Whenever you start to feel stressed, overwhelmed, and irritated with your partner, your aunt, or your sister, Hardy encourages you to recall why you're getting married in the first place. "When disagreements arise (as they normally do), asking the simple question of how this will impact us long-term can help establish a healthy perspective," he concludes.

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