What to Do If Your Partner Wants an Open Relationship—and You Don't

Three experts provide tips and advice on how to handle this difficult situation.

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If you’re currently in a relationship that’s committed and monogamous, you may have questions about how to proceed if your partner wants an open relationship. Feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion may also arise, and attempting to formulate an answer might seem like an impossible task—especially if you're unsure of what an open relationship actually entails.

"An open relationship, by definition, is when both parties of a relationship agree to have separate romantic relationships outside of their primary one," explains Wale Okerayi LMHC LPC, a licensed mental health counselor. Still, if nonmonogamy is a completely new concept for you, your head might be spinning no matter how much you understand the definition.

So to help you navigate this difficult time, we asked Okerayi, in addition to polyamory expert Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D. and sex therapist Isadora Alman, for their expertise on what to do if your partner, wife, or husband wants an open marriage or relationship—and you don't. Read on to learn more.

Meet the Expert

  • Isadora Alman, MFT, CST, is a relationship therapist and sexologist with over 35 years in the industry. She is the author of the syndicated sex column Ask Isadora.
  • Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., is an academic expert on polyamory and polyamorous families. She is the author of "When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships".
  • Wale Okerayi LMHC LPC is a licensed mental health counselor practicing in both New York and Texas. She specializes in individual and relationship counseling and can be reached directly via her website.

What to Do If Your Partner Wants an Open Relationship

If your partner is truly pushing for an open relationship, it’s up to you to decide if you’re comfortable with it or if you should close the door on your time with this person. And for those who need pointers on how to come up with an answer, we compiled a few expert tips, as highlighted below.

Ask Your Partner to Explain Their Reasoning

First and foremost, your partner should clearly explain the reasons behind why they want an open relationship. Perhaps they've failed at monogamy in the past and would rather be upfront and open about their endeavors. Or, perhaps they feel as though their needs aren’t currently being met and want to look outside your relationship to fulfill these desires. Once you fully understand why your partner wants an open relationship in the first place, you can make a more informed decision regarding if, or how, to continue.

Evaluate Your Interest in Being With Other People

Upon hearing your partner’s reasons for wanting an open relationship, it’s important to ask yourself if you also feel as though you’d like to pursue other options. If the answer is “yes,” then an open relationship may be something worth trying, especially since you and your partner can both be with other people while being totally open and honest with one another.

However, Sheff shares a word of warning: "When one person has agreed to consensual nonmonogamy under duress—either they have been bullied or badgered until they give in, or they feel like they can’t say 'no' but really do not want to be in an open relationship—the challenges become far more intense than they would be if everyone involved was truly consenting."

Weigh the Possibility of One-Sided Monogamy

If you’re not interested in being with other people, ask yourself if you’d be okay with your partner going outside of your relationship while you remain monogamous. "That is where one wants or expects a monogamous relationship, is happy within those bonds, and the other partner isn’t," explains Alman. "If some sort of settlement can be negotiated—only casual outside sex and no love affairs or only when out of town, etc.—there can be a truce."

Keep in mind, however, that you should be completely honest with yourself and your ability to handle this situation. For instance, if you’re someone who tends to get jealous, then having to share your partner with others may not be the best choice for you.

Consider the State of Your Current Relationship

If you're considering an open relationship, it’s critical that your current relationship is very strong. Many people mistakenly believe that opening up a relationship can be beneficial if they’re facing challenges as a couple, but a rocky relationship will likely crumble once it opens up.

As Sheff puts it, "Given the complexity of negotiating and maintaining consensual nonmonogamous relationships, it is not a surprise that choosing [an open relationship] as a strategy to mend a damaged relationship generally does not end well." Simply put, an open relationship isn’t a quick fix or guaranteed remedy for a partnership that’s failing, so it shouldn’t be used as a crutch for an already broken connection. 

Set Rules and Boundries

If you'd like to explore the idea of having an open relationship, be sure to evaluate your personal expectations and needs with yourself first, and then have a conversation with your partner to set boundaries to protect those needs. A few of these rules and boundaries can look like:

  • Choosing not to share information about secondary relationships.
  • Rules that address sexual risk management (for example, the use of protection, getting tested for STDs, etc).
  • A confirmed allocation of time spent between secondary (or tertiary) partners and you.

"Set boundaries in a way that protects the relationship by coming up with specific scenarios that could harm the relationship," notes Okerayi. "Once you’ve set the boundaries, check in about them often to make sure that you both still value the boundaries you have in place."

Consider Couples Counseling

As in all relationships, honesty and open communication are necessary for success. But if you happen to be in a space where you need help navigating this discussion, couples counseling is a great step to take in order to land on a decision that works for everyone.

"I would recommend couples counseling to see if there’s a way to move forward in the relationship in a way where both parties are content and satisfied," shares Okerayi. "If there isn’t a resolution, therapy can help both parties end the relationship amicably."

Decide If an Open Relationship Is a Deal-Breaker

At the end of the day, it’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with having an open relationship. While you may love your partner very much and care about them with all of your heart, you have to think about your own wants and needs when making this important decision.

Remember, you get to determine the kind of relationship that you have. If monogamy is a requirement for you, then you should find someone else who shares this requirement as well—just as your partner should find someone who’s totally on board with an open relationship. 

The Pros of an Open Relationship

Many people seek open relationships as a way to have new experiences and satisfy any curiosities they may wish to explore, without sacrificing the bond of the primary relationship. Some additional pros that may come with this type of arrangement might include:

  • A consistent sense of novelty.
  • Increased opportunities for connection with multiple people.
  • A chance to try our different fantasies and an introduction to new desires.

The Cons of an Open Relationship

In general, open relations aren't for everyone, and they do come with a few cons if you're averse to this arrangement, such as:

  • Increased tension and jealousy in a relationship that already had pre-existing issues.
  • Being completely dissatisfied with your relationship if you're truly uncomfortable.
  • The end of a relationship if one partner isn't fully honest with themselves about what they truly want.
  • A risk of emotional pain if boundaries aren't maintained.

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