How Real Married Women Handled Having a Crush on Someone Else—Plus, Expert Advice from a Therapist

Are you married, but you’ve found yourself crushing on someone else? Before you panic and start to question the state of your relationship or your own character, recognize that even those in the healthiest and most loving partnerships can have crushes, also known as brief periods of infatuation with another person. Feeling attracted to an individual who isn’t your spouse is completely normal. That’s because humans are hardwired to seek out mates for survival, so it’s ingrained in our brain chemistry. 

Sometimes, these feelings just happen, and they don’t mean anything about your marriage, the person you’re crushing on, or yourself, according to marriage and family therapist Susan Hartman Brenizer. “The truth is that crushes are not realistic,” she shares. “That is, they are an idealized fantasy about someone whom we may know very little about…It may put a spring in your step in a positive way, but it is an idealized, romanticized idea of a new love interest that doesn’t last.” Crushes only become problematic if you act on them. However, most of them fade with time.

In fact, crushes actually provide a wealth of knowledge that you can use to improve your wellbeing and your marriage. In some cases, these romantic feelings could signal that something in your life is missing, like your friendships, your career, or your hobbies. Sometimes, the feelings of attraction could be a sign that you need to reignite the spark in your own relationship.

If you’re married with a crush, there are steps you can take to deal with this dilemma without hurting your union. Ahead, eight real women reveal how they handled the situation, plus a therapist shares expert advice and guidance.

How Real Women Handled Being Married With a Crush

Eight real married women shared the various ways they dealt with their crushes—without letting it affect their marriage.

Made a Hall Pass

Kitty developed a celebrity crush, and it turns out, her husband had one, too. So, they exchanged hall passes. 

"Like many of my particular generation, I developed a massive crush on Colin Firth. My husband and I have an agreement: Should the opportunity arise that either Colin Firth makes a pass at me or Scarlett Johansson makes a pass at him, we are allowed to take them up on it. I was lucky enough back in the days when I hosted a talk show on public radio to actually interview Colin. Alas, no pass." — Kitty

Amped Up the Passion

When Sara found herself attracted to a colleague, she decided to turn up the heat in her own marriage.

"I was married barely a year when I developed a massive crush on a new coworker. The crush was a signal to me that my husband and I had stopped trying to make things exciting. So, I channeled my lust where it belonged—suggesting to Dan that we start role-playing, make plans to go for a romantic weekend, and plan passionate surprises. He was game." — Sara

Sought Parental Advice

Tara discussed the situation with her mom, who gave her sound advice.

"I talked to my mom about my crush. She and dad have been married 45 years. She told me getting crushes is normal—not the end of anything. I should simply ignore it and let the feelings pass. That's what I did, and it did indeed pass." — Tara

Switched Careers

Barb knew her crush meant she wasn’t fulfilled in other aspects of her life.

"I have a great sex life with my husband, so when I started crushing on this other guy I realized it wasn't about my relationship but because other parts of my life weren't fulfilling. After a lot of soul searching, I decided to look for a job that would challenge me instead of just coasting in my career." — Barb

Disclosed the Secret Using Humor

Darryl lightened the mood by using a sense of humor to tell her husband.

"I went home and joked to my husband about it. And he joked to me about someone he had a crush on. And that defused everything. Being able to treat lustful feelings toward someone else like a goof is healthy and non-threatening." —Darryl

Set Clear Boundaries

When Linda developed a crush on someone else, she confronted the person and established healthy boundaries.

"After four years of marriage, I developed a very intense crush on someone I was working with on a local election. We'd been hanging out a lot together—coffee, a few drinks that led to some flirting, which led to some vivid fantasies. I took this as a dangerous sign and told him that I felt it was better to keep our relationship strictly about the campaign. He is married, too, and agreed with me that it's better not to tempt fate. Within a few weeks, the butterflies settled down, and things went back to normal." — Linda

Realized It Was a Distraction

While she was coping with grief and sadness, Em noticed that she had a crush, even though she was married. She eventually realized it was simply an escape from her emotions. 

"Initially I was upset when seemingly out of the blue I developed this hot and heavy crush, but quickly realized it wasn't about the object of my lust at all. It was a distraction from the sorrow I felt over my mother's cancer diagnosis, so I didn't take it seriously, and it subsided. But I did talk to my husband about the two of us making time for some fun things to do together so that our life didn't become solely about tragedy." — Em

Tried Role-Playing

Instead of worrying about what her crush might mean, Elsie used it to her advantage. 

"I adore my husband and deeply value our marriage, but, well, he doesn't look like Brad Pitt. Not that I look like a supermodel. So, I do occasionally get the hots for some random, really hot guy. And then I'll fantasize about said hot guy while my honey and I have sex. And then the crush fades, and all is good." — Elsie

How a Therapist Recommends Handling Being Married With a Crush

If you find yourself crushing on another person who isn’t your spouse, there are steps you can take to extinguish the flame. Below, a therapist shares her advice.

Notice Your Feelings

Instead of judging yourself for your crush or assuming it means something horrible about your marriage, notice the thoughts and feelings, and view them through a lens of curiosity, Brenizer recommends. Then, let them pass. Just because you’re fantasizing about someone else doesn’t mean that those emotions are true and that your marriage is doomed.

Assess What the Crush Represents

While developing a crush on someone else could be a sign that you want to leave your marriage and explore your connection with that person, there are a range of other reasons that you’ll want to explore first, which are probably more likely. Perhaps you found yourself attracted to another individual because you want to boost your self-esteem, according to Benizer. Some other common causes are feeling unfulfilled in certain areas of your life, not getting your needs met in your marriage, wanting to distract yourself from painful emotions, or feeling lonely. Maybe there’s absolutely no rhyme or reason. Once you pinpoint why the feelings are there, you can take the necessary steps to resolve it—even if that means doing nothing and simply letting it pass.

Invest in Your Marriage

If the crush is a signal that something in your marriage is lacking, Brenizer advises addressing those deficits with your spouse and making a concerted effort to prioritize your relationship. For example, maybe your partner isn’t emotionally supporting you. In that case, have a conversation with your significant other and outline exactly what you need from them in order to bolster your union. Make sure to use “I” statements to avoid causing a defensive reaction. “If you use your crush in this way, it can inform you of what you need to add to your marriage, to enhance and protect it,” Brenizer says.

Even if you are in a healthy, loving marriage, you can leverage your crush to ignite the passion. Try new ways to keep the spark alive, whether it’s booking a romantic trip for the two of you, planning a special date night, or trying a new workout class together. 

Focus on Other Areas of Your Life

Although an insufficient or even complacent relationship could be the reason why you have butterflies for someone other than your partner, another possible cause is feeling unfilled in other areas of your life, whether it’s your friendships or your career. If that’s the case, Brenizer suggests finding meaning by trying a new hobby or volunteering for a cause whose mission you align with. It’s also important to take care of yourself and your wellbeing by eating a well-balanced diet, exercising regularly, increasing your sleep hygiene, and surrounding yourself with a supportive social circle, per Brenizer.